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Gaynor Wall: I’m Still Here

“I was given three options, all with varying                  “However, I now understand your cancer story is
risks and prognoses: one, do nothing
(survival rate six months) two,                               		  completely unique to you, how you
                                                              		  deal with things is unique to you. I
Your canceraggressive hospital based chemo                    		  stopped comparing myself to books
                                                              		  and leaflets telling me I was taking
“(survival rate 4 to 5 years) or                              		  longer than others to recover. Lung
                                                              		  cancer is bigger than anything I have
story isthree, surgery (survival rate                         		  ever had to overcome.At the time I
                                                              		  didn’t fully appreciate what it took
forever, all being well). For me, there                       		  from me – physically and mentally.
                                                              		  Now I do.
completely uniquewas no option other than surgery.
                                                              		  “I still have darker days.There are
I was booked in for a week later.                             		  highs and lows, tears and sadness. I
                                                              		  go through quiet periods not
to you, how you“Due to the position of the tumour,
deal with things isthe surgeon needed to remove my

right lung. I was aware that could

unique to you.happen before I had the operation

”but just hoped it wouldn’t be the
case.The immediate threat had been removed but I was          wanting to talk to anyone and then times when all I

now faced with a slow and painful recovery, a life very       want to do is talk. I let myself go through it all and, when
different to the active one prior.                            I’m out the other side, I start to look forward again.

“On a daily basis I experience breathlessness and              “If my lung cancer hadn’t been found early, I would not
tiredness. I get frequent chest infections and I’m unable      be here.That’s a fact. I was told I wouldn’t survive past
to stand for long periods of time. It took me quite a          that first Christmas. I would have missed my son’s 30th
long time before I could drive my car again and we can’t       birthday, my granddaughter’s first day at school, our
walk as much as we used to.Worst of all, I’m not able          pearl wedding anniversary. Most of all I would have just
to pick up my granddaughter or play with her the way           missed living life to the full.
I used to. I miss all the things I took for granted – even
working! I really enjoyed my job and loved meeting new        “ Never think too long
people.                                                         about doing anything
                                                                   you want to do –
“But there is also a huge emotional battle to overcome         ”just go out and do it.
too. I had to build my self-confidence back up as well as
my physical self.

“I vividly remember my first chest x-ray after my
pneumonectomy, seeing an empty and void space where
my lung used to be. It’s an image that will always stay
with me. I was left terrified about what if something was
to happen to my other lung.What chance would I have
if anything else should happen? The never ending fear as
your next check-up approaches.

“My underweight body shows off a rather large scar. My
right breast is slightly lower than the other. I’ve bought
so many bras I could open a bra shop! But sometimes
when I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt ashamed. I
saw this awful body looking back at me. It didn’t matter

what my wonderful, supportive husband said to me, it
wouldn’t make a difference.

“Soon after one of these darker moments, the dreaded          “I always remember something my dad said to me after
guilt trip would kick in and I’d be left feeling more awful,  my mum died - she had lung cancer - ‘never think too
                                                              long about doing anything you want to do – just go out
more ashamed because I knew I should be so grateful           and do it’.And I intend to.”
for the chance I have been given.
                                                                                                               Spring/Summer 17
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