Page 20 - Inspire Autumn/Winter Edition 2017

I Won’t Let Lung Cancer Define Him.

Imagine losing your partner when they “One evening, I heard him ringing his bell. I looked out the
were just 47. Imagine losing your dad before window and there he was with a five foot tree tied to his
you could (legally!) go for a pint with him, back. He’d ridden six miles home like that with everyone
or before he could walk you down the aisle. taking the mickey out of him. But he didn’t care. He knew
it would make me happy and that’s all he wanted to do.
Then imagine feeling unable to talk about
it. Imagine feeling too fearful of judgement. “A few years later, I was given the opportunity to travel
overseas with work. He did everything he could to
This was life for Lisa Mulvey and her support me. We were a team and we overcame everything
children, Charlotte and Tom after Stephen together. But when it came to the hardest challenge I’ve
died from lung cancer. ever faced, he wasn’t able to help.
“He’d had a dry cough for a while and had gone for a scan
“I can remember exactly the moment I decided to stop but was told they couldn’t see anything. They thought it
telling people Stephen died of lung cancer. I can remember might be adult asthma. He was due to have a follow up
it like it was yesterday. scan but, before he’d even made it to that appointment,
he’d already been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.
“I went to the bank to change our account. It was a joint
account and we weren’t ‘joint’ anymore. It’s amazing how “He went to work, saying he didn’t feel too good. Tom,
something so practical can be so hard to do. It was further then 15, was trying to have a conversation with him but
proof that I was on my own now. I wasn’t part of a team Stephen didn’t seem to understand what he was saying.
anymore. It was just me.
“I thought he had had a stroke. I
“The woman at the bank was called an ambulance and he was
going through the details on taken to A&E. That’s when we
Stephen’s death certificate. She found out there were tumours in
then looked up at me and said his brain but the consultant didn’t
those loaded words I’d heard think they were primary.
before – ‘Did he smoke then?’
It’s not just the words, it’s the We eventually found out it was
tone that question is asked with. lung cancer in the most insensitive
It’s the look that goes with it, of ways; a nervous, young doctor
that belittling look that screams – just blurted it out – ‘well, of course,
‘well, what did you expect?’ you know it’s lung cancer’ - in front
of me, the kids and my mum.
“I did what I always did; I tried to justify the situation.
I explained he had been a smoker, starting when he was “The next four months were a blur. Stephen never talked
still at school, like many people did, but that he had given about it. He refused to engage with any palliative nurses;
up. But that look didn’t fade. The judgement didn’t pass. All they wanted to discuss his death, which, to him, was never
I got by way of a reply was ‘hmm.’ going to happen. He didn’t have time to come to terms
with it and so never had the opportunity to say goodbye
“It was in that moment when I decided I was not going to to me, our children, or his family or the loving messages
put myself in that situation again. From then on, Stephen for the future I know he would have said. None of us had
died of cancer and I prayed that people wouldn’t ask what time. It was so fast, too fast.
kind. I was not going to let people who had no idea what
kind of person Stephen was judge him. I was not going to “It been a long process and, to be honest, I’ve still not
let his death dictate what people think of him. come to terms with it but I’m not ashamed or afraid of
people’s reaction anymore.
“Because Stephen was so full of life. He loved people and
people loved him. Everyone who knew him has a Stephen “Now I’m angry. Why is it only lung cancer that prompts
story. I have countless. One of my favourites is our first such disapproving, unsympathetic reactions? What gives
Christmas together. I remember saying how I’d love to anyone the right to cast that kind of judgement on a man
have a real Christmas tree. Problem was, there were none they never met? How can they define him by one tiny
for sale near where we lived and I didn’t think it would fit piece of information? Stephen was everything to me,
in my car, a mini and Stephen just had a push bike! everything to our children, loved by so many people.

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Inspire 2017